* for yo[u] are with m[e] *

20th September, Tuesday
been worrying a fair bit recently. disclaimer: please read with a pinch of salt, don't read too much into things that i write in this entry just take at face value.

worried about studies.
last sem i was taking things easy and in the end i got B's which don't really help my GPA at all. dun wanna fall back into slack mode this term and get disappointing results. afraid that i'll disappoint my mom, my dad and myself. therefore i have resorted to shutting my com at all times during lectures and writing down notes so as not to be lost. have been faithfully doing most of my homework and a bit of revision here and there rather than wait till last min. only ponned 1 class so far. feel bad about it already. i promised myself not to do that again.

worried about finance.
recently 1 of my tuition kids retrenched me cos he's been so busy in sch that he keeps canceling lessons. his mom thinks that the remedial he has in school is sufficient and that his time is too tight therefore the retrenchment. haha. in a way it free's up my time a bit more, which is a good thing or else i think this term i'll be walking zombie. but in another sense i have just lost $200 income per month. lol. not exactly a small sum. but actually in a positive way i've become more conscious about my spending and i even manage to save on some days. haha. then not to mention my "fining" system. haha. eh last week was bad man, $16 bucks. haha. i think its cos i put alot of items to do and sometimes in a day i really really really dun have time to do.

worried about the youth group.
now is the planning period for 2006 which explains why i'm worried. sometimes i look at the situation that we are in and the youths and leaders and i can't help but feel frustrated that things aren't moving as i would like them to be. i honestly believe that the current batch of youths and leaders have so much potential compared to what we have had in past years, even more than the batch during my time i would say. when i first became a leader i think that i was soooo un-zai if there is such a word. the only thing that i had at that time was probably a desire to serve and potentially make a difference in people's lives. skillwise, ability to communicate, leadership skills, i had close to nought. the only experience i had at leading was in my secondary school CCA as a scout patrol leader. perhaps the only other thing i had going for me was a willingness to learn and try new things. anw, when i look at the youths now i see a really fantastic bunch of young people that could potentially do really great things for God. which is why when i look at our current situation, i feel that there is so much more for the youth group to step up to. then i look at myself and think that i may not really be the best person to lead the group. i suck at planning, don't really look ahead far enough, not inspirational, not extremely hardworking, not really the "passionate type", not highly motivated, not detailed enough, not perfectionist enough, not good at making decisions, don't really have strong opinions most of the time...blah blah blah. aiyah the list very long lah, dun wanna type all. and sometimes i just wish God will just raise up somebody who is super zai and then one man show lead the whole youth group onwards etc etc etc. haha. maybe that will happen in the future i don't know, but at least for now and the coming year i'm sure that God wants to do something great in this youth group and i want to be part of the process of laying that foundation, a good, strong, lasting one. i know what i need to do, but i'm worried i'll lose steam midway, i'm worried that people don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, i'm worried that we aren't united as a team, i'm worried that we don't do enough, not passionate enough, i'm worried that pple misunderstand, i'm worried that there are youths who are going thru a crisis situation and we don't know or do anything about it, i'm worried the leaders themselves are going thru crisis situations themselves and noone's alongside to support them. worry worry worry. i know i'm not suppose to but then i also know that i shouldn't just conveniently sweep problems under the carpet and console myself with a "it'll turn out fine in the end". the more i observe, the more problems i see. don't get me wrong, i'm not being pessemistic but just being blunt. i see the cup half-empty in that there are plenty of problems but i also see the cup half-full because there is so much more that we can accomplish as a youth group.

the first two worries i've got them under control, not really a big issue. its only the last worry that bothers me the most. recently i was kinda dissappointed because i felt really helpless and powerless to change the situation. honest. fortunately a timely reminder came to me as i was reading a book on the fruit of the spirit. its found in Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight". i guess my takeaway from this is that i should remain concerned about issues but in the end must pray and trust God in all situations and He will make it all turn out well in the end. =))

dun worry, be at peace

not losing concentration